Choral Ethics: A Sad Season

“Grief is the price we pay for love.” Queen Elizabeth II

The last two years, or so, have been very difficult for me. I have shared what has happened to me with a few people, but not here on ChoralNet (or anywhere on Social Media except a few select places) though I feel I could have and y’all would have understood.

A few of my closest friends know what has happened but most do not, however my closest family does. Two people, who are not really friends and who are not really family, but are closer perhaps than either, do know. My voice teacher, Anne, who has taken the place of my late Mom as an adviser and confident, knows what has happened and as does her accompanist, Sue. Both have been supportive and kind to me in a difficult situation.

Anne and Sue (daughter of her long-time accompanist, Flo, who died a few years ago) have been there for me throughout this ordeal. They have always been there for me through the years in many difficult times–when my Mom and Dad died, when one of my sons was gravely ill and through all sorts of ups and downs during the 20 years I have studied with her. I once joked that I only felt like myself, my true authentic self, when I was at my lessons with them. Flo shot right back that I must have one crazy life if this was normal. She wasn’t far from the truth!

A few weeks ago, I learned Anne had passed away. I haven’t had lessons for a bit, both because of my situation and because of Anne’s worsening health, and learned of her death quite by accident. It gut punched me, and I sat down, hard, on the bench on my front porch.

I believed she would recover, that my own situation would improve, and we would be back to talking about Mozart every Monday afternoon. I longed to be back to normal; I’d be singing whatever I was currently working on, and Anne would ruthlessly correct my Italian. She’d tell stories about the old days, her experiences at Julliard and being a voice professor (long retired) at a local school of music, as we’d catch up each week. She’d tell me, in the midst of yet another crisis, that I needed a “robe day,” (a day you don’t get out of your robe) and I’d laugh because that would be impossible. We’d share our thoughts about music, concerts, children, food and recipes.

Anne was a stupendous hostess and often hosted receptions for our local professional symphony. She was my role model in many ways, much like my own mother. I loved her and she loved me, and we told each other that fact the last time we saw each other and I am forever grateful we did.

After I learned of Anne’s death, I began to think about relationships with private music teachers and other types of musical mentors. I mean the healthy relationships of respect and mentoring and true desire for students to succeed; tough but loving. I get many emails about the “other kind” of teachers and directors and conductors but not many about teachers like Anne. It got me wondering about healthy and nurturing mentorship and what that entails.

So, what does a good mentor and private music teacher look like to you? Who were your best teachers and why were they the best? Please share your thoughts in the comments.