Choral Ethics: Overlooked

“You have a good many little gifts and virtues, but there is no need of parading them, for conceit spoils the finest genius. There is not much danger that real talent or goodness will be overlooked long, and the great charm of all power is modesty.” Louisa May Alcott

Gwen*, we can all agree, is the backbone of her community chorus (and I hope you all have a few folks like Gwen in your own choruses). At the beginning of rehearsal, she helps chorus members check in, hands out music, collects music, files music, and makes sure there are enough chairs on risers. These small details and the mundane chores needed to get a rehearsal up and running every week, so no valuable time is wasted has become Gwen’s duty, by default, for the last several years. The chorus board flutters around, talking about what needs to be done but Gwen actually does it, and regularly. Other people do sometimes help but it usually falls to Gwen, by herself.

The few times Gwen has not been able to get to rehearsal, once or twice due to weather-related situations, she has been scolded at the next rehearsal by a few fellow chorus members for not being a dedicated chorus member. But no one seems to notice what she does for the chorus except when she doesn’t do it. It especially stings for her to be scolded for those unavoidable absences because, believe it or not, she has never been THANKED for all the things she does every rehearsal, by anyone. She’s never wanted praise or seeks attention by doing her “good works,” she just wants to sincerely help. It’s never been a big deal, to be thanked for doing what needs to be done, but being overlooked, taken for granted, then scolded has gotten under her skin recently.

Last week, her son was in a minor car accident and called from the hospital ER while she was on her way to rehearsal. Gwen headed to the hospital and her son, not letting anyone at the chorus rehearsal know because she was too concerned about him. It wasn’t until the next morning that she checked her phone; there were many texts and voice messages wondering what happened or chiding her for her lack of responsibility as their concert approached. She answered one or two texts, explaining her son had been in a car accident–he’s fine by the way–and she had gone to the hospital to be with him. She called the director, and he was very sympathetic to her situation. Now she wonders how to handle things when she gets back to rehearsal this week.

The simple truth should be good enough, if she is asked her whereabouts. Her son was in an accident, and she went to be with him at the hospital. Period. If there are folks who want more details, she can decide if she wants to share anything else and with whom. If pressed, she should just keep repeating: son in accident, went to be with him at the hospital, family first, repeat.

Gwen is feeling stressed about returning to rehearsals, though she loves the music and director and was looking forward to this concert. But she doesn’t know if she wants to continue after this concert and concert year. Not being thanked (a blog about overlooking chorus helpers and the repercussions in doing so is scheduled soon) is one thing but being scolded by her fellow singers is another and she’s reached her limit.

I think it’s a good idea to talk to the chorus board and the music director—after their upcoming concert. But Gwen needs to think about what she wants and present it to them calmly. Does the board want her to continue helping and do they appreciate her help? Does she want to continue? Would giving her a title and an assistant help her feel less conflicted about continuing? All are things she needs to think about because she seems to be the only one considering them.

*Name Withheld