There has been much difficulty in my life as of late, too complicated and personal to go into here, but it has caused me to cancel my chamber choir’s June concert. Too distracted since January, I have not brought my *A* Game to rehearsals and with this week’s further upheaval, I decided I could NOT continue rehearsals or conduct the concert. The music is difficult, and this would have been the first concert since COVID where our “True Chops” would be displayed. I don’t believe I could have done the music justice and that would have made me feel WORSE.
I’ve always been a Real Trooper, the kind of person with a “the-show-must-go-on” type of personality so this is truly against-type. But instead of disappointment, not conducting a concert I was SO LOOKING FORWARD TO CONDUCT, I feel RELIEF which should tell you how upset I am and how much I am hurting. This was not a snap decision, or one made emotionally, but one made by looking at the big picture. I tried to be as objective as possible, even if it caused me pain, with the good of my singers at the center of my decision. I reasoned if THEY didn’t have a good experience singing this difficult music with me because of my distraction and lack of attention to details—something that is normally not “me”–they would no longer want to sing with me. Though it pained me, I believe this was the best decision for my chamber choir, and for me and my sanity.
All of my singers, my accompanist and the extra musician I hired for this concert were absolutely LOVELY about our cancellation. We are rescheduling this concert and repertoire for next spring, and all are happy about that. Most don’t know the exact reason for me having to back out because I have been vague, but all have been supportive and understanding. Ironically, the one person who is causing all the difficulty and upheaval in my life DOES NOT UNDERSTAND why I would want to cancel this concert. They believe I should just “suck it up”, with a “show-must-go-on” attitude. Their cluelessness of many things is one reason for my pain and present difficulty.
With COVID, the Real Trooper, “show-must-go-on” attitude has changed. In fact, if this had happened to me BEFORE COVID, I probably WOULD have sucked it up, been a Real Trooper, and the show WOULD have gone, no matter the price to ME, as a person. Now, my mental health is of the utmost importance, for the people who depend on me and for me, myself. Music is important but not at the price of ME as a person.
Those of you having to make tough decisions also based on things happening in your personal life: I hear you, I see you, and I understand you.