“You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.” Joan Rivers
I hate gossip. Hate it with a passion and will even avoid speaking with someone (if I can) if they seem to have a tendency toward gossip. If someone is gossiping “with” me, I never know what to say. If I join in, I am just as bad as they are and if I don’t, I look like I’m snobbish. I can’t win, so I don’t try. Most gossip is not true and is destructive so I try to tune it out if I can. If I can’t tune it out, I listen without comment. If there seems to be a ring of truth in it, I make note.
Andrew* also hates gossip. He directs a mid-sized auditioned community chorus in the Midwest and has done so for about five years. The first few years, he was only mildly aware of the culture of his chorus. Some of his singers seemed to be big gossips or take some sort of delight in gossip about others but he did his best to ignore it. Andrew is also a middle school choir director and says he would NEVER tolerate his students doing what seems to be part of the culture of his adult singers. It wasn’t until last fall he realized how bad it was when his best soprano quit over something said about her. He contacted me early this summer to help him figure out how to quash it as rehearsals begin again this fall.
We have emailed back and forth with some ideas which he hopes will work for him and his chorus. One of the first things I asked was if there was downtime during rehearsal, such as a short break in the middle for water or restroom. He said there was. I asked if he had section leaders and he told me no. I asked him about the biggest gossip (he didn’t give me their name, just their voice type!) and if they were involved in the chorus outside of singing. I asked about the rhythm of rehearsals and if there was a lot of chatting during transition between pieces. I also asked if he had contacted the soprano who quit and he had. After much collaboration between the two of us, here is what we came up with:
- Get rid of the break in the middle of rehearsal. No break so no chance for gossip. Instead, have bottles of water available and encourage folks to use the restroom when they need to.
- Assign two section leaders per section (Andrew will ask them before rehearsals begin) whose jobs will be making sure their section knows their parts and keeping morale up.
- Asking the Big Gossip (who is an alto, by the way) to be his (and his accompanist) rehearsal assistant. She will make sure his podium is ready, enough light for the pianist, filing music…..etc. etc…….if she’s busy, she won’t have time for gossip during rehearsal!
- At the beginning of each rehearsal, Andrew will announce the order of the pieces they will work on and ask the chorus to put their music in that order. He will move from piece to piece as quickly as possible with little discussion between pieces.
I asked Andrew what had happened (and what was said) to cause his best soprano to leave. He told me there had been comments about her weight, inferring she had some sort of eating disorder. In fact, she told him later, she had had a miscarriage in her second trimester. She hadn’t wanted the Gossips to know about her pregnancy and they (gleefully) assumed the worst. Her resignation had more to do with getting herself physically and mentally healthy again rather than that nasty gossip, per say. Andrew contacted her again during our email discussions, asking her to come back. She agreed to come back to the chorus next January since her baby is due in September (she’s healthy and everything seems fine)!
Do you have any suggestions for Andrew (or anyone) on how to change the gossip culture of his chorus? What has worked for you?
*Name withheld
Pamela Jean Goody says
My comment isn’t about gossip, but about the underlying message of bringing problems out in the open. Transparency is key. No secrets allowed. When a toxic issue arises, let everyone know the problem and how you plan to resolve it. This brings you and your ensemble closer together; they know you care about them. As directors, we need to create a safe place for our singers. My problem was with an older gentleman (82) who showed signs of mental health issues…lack of filtering. I had no idea he had been quietly making lewd remarks to the women in the ensemble until one brave soul brought it to my attention. I asked the other women if they felt safe. The answer was “no.” They had been trying to ignore him, without success. I could not allow such behavior to continue to poison my choir. Choir is a safe zone where we leave our troubles outside. I made the difficult call to him and told him he could no longer be part of the church choir unless he sought medical help. I alerted the clergy. They called his family. His family was concerned with his behavior at home. Thankfully, he is now getting the medical/psychological help he needs, but he will not be returning in September. I emailed and spoke with my choir to inform them of what transpired. They were grateful that they had been heard and their fears alleviated. The most important part of this whole ordeal is that all parties were kept in the loop of information. Shed light on the problems. Do not keep secrets.
Marie Grass Amenta says
I so agree with your thoughts about transparency…….no secrets! I de-brief my chamber choir after every concert cycle and encourage them to ask me about anything (behavior or situation wise) they didn’t understand during the cycle. And, of course, I always explain what happened during the cycle if something comes up.
If there are no secrets, there can’t be misunderstandings and hard feelings. What you did in your situation is great…..and getting the clergy involved was needed…..I’m sure that fellow’s family appreciated it too. I’m sure you wish someone approached you earlier but when someone finally did, you acted. And your choir will trust you MORE because you acted!
Amy Desrosiers says
Hi there!
I’ve been waiting for a post like this for some time!
The advice you gave was a very good starting point in eliminating any chance of gossip during rehearsal time. If we keep them busy and on their toes, it can (hopefully) turn their focus around on the rehearsal process rather than the negativity and gossip.
I was in a choir where gossip and intimidation was a constant battle. We’ve lost several singers (these singers were all under 35 yrs old) because they were treated like children and subjected to being criticized for their supposed “lack” of experience singing in a choir, yet they were our strongest singers. A member crying from a comment or criticism from an entitled singer with “years” of choral experience was a regular thing. Very upsetting.
The board had to get involved and we brainstormed scenarios and consequences for such behaviors such as being warned, suspended, or expelled from the choir. We cannot allow these singers to treat others this way and it needs to be known from all parties. I believe Andrew needs to address these concerns with the board and with the gossipy alto as soon as possible. She needs to be aware of the consequences at stake for her chatty Cathy attitude and get some perspective.
I highly recommend a section be added in the by-laws about choir ethics with focus on behavior and misconduct with allotted consequences to support the board, director, and singers when situations like these arise. It seems daunting to write such a paragraph but it is needed!
It is also crucial to provide quick support and damage control to the singers who were hurt by the events, ensuring them that the board will rectify the situation and maintain regular correspondence. We’ve held meetings with the past with all parties involved and sometimes even “talking it out” with each other helps understands the perspective from each side.
When the harmonious atmosphere of a choir is in trouble, the board and director need to take quick action and relay the message (repeatedly) to the choir and individual singers that behaviors like these will not be tolerated in any way. People join a choir to have fun, make friends, and create beautiful music, not an avenue for gossip. When an incident like this ruin’s a singer’s experience in the choir, it is often hard for them to return with a positive attitude because of the existing negative history and they feel the need to be on their guard.
All in all, let’s leave the negativity at the door. I hope this helps in some way!
– Amy
Marie Grass Amenta says
I especially like your suggestion about addressing the issue with the Chatty Cathy Alto…..getting her on board with clerical work to keep her out of trouble was Andrew’s idea…I don’t think he wants to confront her. But if he doesn’t confront her, there is still a possibility she is going to gossip (with an “insider’s perspective”) anyway. And getting the board involved (do they realize this is an actual problem?) seems to be called for at this point.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Marie