Choral Potpourri: Choral Ethics; Not Important Enough

“No person is important enough to make me angry.” Thomas Carlyle

I have mentioned a few times in this blog I dislike whiners and tattletales. It’s the result of being the oldest of six children; the quickest way for me to tune out your story is to whine or tattle. I made sure my own children knew as they were growing up I would not tolerate tattling; they could tell me if someone was bleeding or if something was on fire, otherwise I expected them to work it out. Those who email me to tattle on someone, Choral Ethics-wise, generally get a similar response, but there are exceptions to everything.

In the last several weeks, I have gotten FIVE emails (six, if you include the person anticipating) about the same thing. Emily* was first, then Jake* and Donna*. Jose* and Everett* then Phillip*; all of them emailing within days of each other. And yes, there is a whiny-tattlely flavor to all of them. All of their emails had the same tone, the same disbelief and the same wanting to know what to do or say the next time. At first, I replied the way I usually do, telling them to relax and it’s not a big deal and to let it go, or something to that effect. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I have had similar things happen to me and I haven’t always handled it well. I contacted everyone who contacted me and asked further questions, asking them to tell me exactly what happened; to my surprise, their stories were similar. All of these folks attended concerts of their friends or colleagues–directors or singers or soloists–and were snubbed when they went to see them afterward.

Emily went backstage to congratulate her colleague (both are on faculty at the same college) on the fine concert she conducted; she was ignored while the President of the college was welcomed and hugged, then her colleague walked away from her. Jake attended the after-reception of a friend’s community choral concert and was “looked through” by his friend when one of the large donors appeared. There didn’t seem to be a reason for him to turn his back on Jake, other than Jake feels he is not important enough. Donna is worried about attending the local high school’s choral concert; she is the middle school director and many of her former students sing in the high school choirs. The director is always pleasant to her, since she directs the feeder program, but is plain rude when Donna comes to concerts. Jose’s and Phillip’s stories were almost identical; both teach and are high school choral directors in a middle-sized school district. When they attend the other directors in their district’s concerts and go back to congratulate them, are not acknowledged or ignored or made to feel in the way.

I know the feeling; we attend a concert (or lecture or fundraiser) and the person or organization we are trying to support ignores us or make us feel unwelcome. Most of us attend these things for truly altruistic reasons (at least I do and I bet my correspondents do too) but for some reason, we aren’t treated that way. Could we be the cause? Are we not sensitive to others needs right after concerts? I asked the folks a few questions. You could think about these too as we barrel through, full on, the rest of the end of year concerts.

First, are you truly in the way? If you are, then maybe it isn’t surprising you are made to feel that way. Is there a line of people waiting to say hello and congrads? If there is, perhaps it would be better to email or text a note later so your friend isn’t so exhausted or overwhelmed. Do you act like YOU are the important person? There are always a few who exude importance; that can make anybody not want to see you after a concert! Are you attending the concert out of obligation and want to make sure they know you were there? If you are, maybe that is what is causing them to behave that way.

I also asked my correspondents how they behave to those who want to see them after their own concerts. If you are exhausted or crabby or too busy or overwhelmed, perhaps it is a bit of payback. Do you make others feel they are not important enough for a minute of your time after your concerts?

I read something pretty profound a few days ago about how others make us feel; long after we forget what people do or say in a situation, we will remember how they made us feel. Something to think about as we finish the academic year.

*Name Withheld