“Though the sex to which I belong is considered weak you will nevertheless find me a rock that bends to no wind.” Queen Elizabeth I
From the very beginning of writing my regular Blog, I have debated whether Choral Ethics should address sexual harassment issues. And almost from the beginning of my writing Choral Potpourri, I have been approached by ChoralNet readers, in person and by email, asking me to share their story or a “friend’s” about this subject. I could have also shared my own experiences, painful as they may be but am still not ready, thirty years later.
But with the daily announcements in the news of yet another celebrity, politician or journalist with feet of clay, I now feel I must say something, write something, and share something with you from our Choral World because we are not immune. I have been thinking about this young woman’s story for over two years, worried how the daily news is affecting her, praying she is okay.
I met Sarah* several years ago at a choral conference. She is a regular Choral Potpourri reader and knew I would be at this particular conference. She wanted to meet me in person to ask my advice about something bothering her. I had set up my “Choral Ethics Café” in the lobby of the hotel, Tweeting where I would be. Soon Sarah, two cups of coffee in her hands, arrived with a smile.
Sarah was a lovely young woman and we shared a bit about our personal lives (she was about five months pregnant, the baby being her first child) and our professional lives. I spoke of my spouse of 36 years and she spoke of hers, of five. We talked about our houses and the best brand of frozen pizzas for rehearsal nights. It was a lovely chat, and while I enjoyed it, I also wondered what she wanted to talk about.
After we spoke for a bit, she began to gradually get jittery, wringing her hands and seeming nervous. I finally asked what she wanted advice about; she started to cry. I told her we could go to a Ladies Room I knew had a sofa and steered her toward the escalator.
We made it to the Ladies Room and she began to sob, great gulping sobs. I told her I would listen when she was ready and suggested we do some Alexander Technique breathing to help calm down. I was getting worried about what she wanted!
She finally calmed down and explained she was the director of choirs at a medium sized liberal arts college in the Midwest. She was up for tenure that year and the chair of the music department was threatening not to recommend her to the tenure committee, unless…….she did what he asked her to do. What was that? A sex act which Sarah described to me (and will NOT describe here), which he expected twice before the committee met in April (this was February). I was stunned, not sure what she wanted from me after telling her story. I let her talk more, while I tried to figure out what to say.
As she spoke, there were a few other concerns coming out; she was worried about her job, of course, but also about the stress on her unborn baby. And she wondered if she should actually do what he asked, if that made the most sense. She was also worried what to tell her husband when she lost her job if she didn’t…..wait a minute….he didn’t know? That I could work with, I could give advice about that.
I let her talk until she finally asked what I would do. She had a choice; comply with that a##h#l# or go after him. If she did go after him, she would need support and allies so first she needed to tell her husband. I told her I thought she was actually luckier than I had been because I had not been given a choice.
And she should listen to what her spouse has to say; he will have ideas about what they should do. Kicking her boss in his Family Jewels probably isn’t a good idea, though I can understand the desire. As well, they should speak with a lawyer and the college’s HR department. But first, she needed to tell her husband. I feel I gave her as good advice as I could; not keeping silent to the person closest to her, getting good legal advice and speaking with someone who could DO something at her place of employment. I was winging it and not feeling good about it, either.
Sarah’s story still troubles me but I haven’t heard back from her. I think of her every time a new person is outed in the news and wonder if she is okay. I hope she told her husband, got a good lawyer and that JERK is no longer in power…..or employed.
*Name Withheld
Carolyn Eynon says
In 1980, I was the first female to be accepted in the DMA conducting program at University of Michigan. None of the choral directors on staff had a doctorate, but had years of experience.
At 30, I was driving 120 miles round trip 3 days a week to attend full time courses, for which I received all A’s. I took my prelims in Theory and Music history and passed with flying colors in Theory, however the Music History professor found weaknesses in my 8 hr paper, Describe the role of the choral conductor throughout music history, for which I thought, I was prepared.
After he red lined my paper, I asked if I could appeal and take it again. At which time, he said go see your choral committee chair and discuss it with him..So I did.
In the privacy of HIS own office, he looked at me and said, “Why don’t you stay home and start your family?” As I sat on his sofa, with no witnesses, I froze in fury. Here I spent 2.5 years, $20,000, driving 120 miles for classes in Ann Arbor, studying music in the car as I drove, and never received below an A, and now he says, WHY DON”T YOU STAY HOME AND START YOUR FAMILY?”
I did not appeal, for I had no female role models. All the professors, except 1, were male, and the Dean was male. What chance would I, the first female, ever have in a male world.
Today, I am so proud that the LAST U. of M alumnae music magazine featured 7 DMA females on the STAFF at U of M music school, who have raised the glass ceiling. That never would have happened in 1980-82. Fortitude, perseverance, and grit, gals…… remember never EVER GIVE UP!…… Now is OUR TIME!
Carolyn Dameron Eynon
Founding Artistic Director, Carolyn Eynon Singers
Marie Grass Amenta says
Preach it sister!
Eugenio Costa says
This subject clearly extends well over the Choral world; but it is not inappropriate to address it also here, on the contrary.
A huge lot of people discover in dismay that keeping any squalor out of their lives can quickly become incredibly stressing — but surely, no one should ever give up! The best we can do is to offer firm help to overcome such situations, and although reading about these things is inevitably unpleasant, this post is a worthy heads-up to all.
One big question is always: how far does that “dirt” come from? That is, the power to enact such dreadful behaviours is often obtained by means of similarly dirty ways, thus the harassed individual may actually have to face not just one, but a strong line of enemies, some of which may be invisible and/or have well-prepared lines of defense AND counter-offense!
But, since these things are as old as mankind, all lawyers and law-keepers know them well and can promptly suggest the best solution to any particular case.
Don’t lose faith in honesty and goodwill, they are stronger than anything else: “Never try to hide the Truth, for it can also have terrible ways to show itself”.
Jena Dickey says
Wow!