Choral Potpourri: Choral Ethics; Kindness Versus Honesty?

“Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.” Harry S. Truman

Have you ever been in a situation where, if you are completely honest, you could offend someone? But if you are not honest, that person will think whatever he or she is doing is fine, even if clearly it is not. We are in the “business” of criticism for good, for the greater good of our singers and ensembles, so we need to correct and criticize in rehearsal. As long as we are kind and stick to the mistake they have made, we are doing our jobs. It’s when we don’t stick to the facts or over blow the problem that things get complicated.

It is easy to forget we need to work regularly with others.  Unless you are a soloist all the time, you must work with other musicians. Unless you conduct exactly the sort of ensemble you wish, with the musicians you wish, you must work with whom you are given. I like clever comments and witty repartee as much as the next person, but when it is mean spirited or at the expense of others feelings, it is unkind. And it’s easier, and much more productive, to work with others when they respect us because we are kind.

What does it take–a few minutes–to NOT make a nasty comment or to make a person feel welcome and appreciated? What’s in it for you?  Not sniping is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things. It shows you have a degree of self-control.  Being petty with someone you don’t like–or think you don’t like–may be hard at first but the rewards will be worth it. I am a great believer in “faking it until you make it” with those sorts of people. Rise above and do yourself proud. Be kind to those around you. And get the reputation of being someone whom anyone would want to work with and be with and live with.

I try to be kind; treating my singers and accompanists as I would want to be treated. I always correct the section and always try to say something good during rehearsal—even rehearsals when there doesn’t seem to be anything good! Since one of my sons is a pianist, I treat my accompanists the way I would want him treated by getting music to them as soon as I can, letting them know what we will be working on in rehearsal beforehand and never correct them in a unkind way in front of my choirs.

I admit I had my own misguided notion of what it means to be “kind” in rehearsal.  For many years, I thought it unkind to be brutally honest in my criticism because I wanted to be kind. I would say something was “mediocre”–not dreadful or wrong or terrible–as I pointed out what needed to be done to correct a mistake.  I used the term with my adult choirs and children’s’ choirs as well and noticed something interesting…..the children would laugh at the word, and then fix the problem very quickly but it would take the adults a bit longer to grasp what needed to be done. I couldn’t figure out why.

Then a few years ago, a singer in my auditioned chamber choir told me she HATED when I used “mediocre” as a criticism because I never praised them after the correction was made.  I had to think about it but had to agree with her.  I didn’t want to be unkind but I suppose I didn’t want to be perceived as “weak” by being too pleased. Now when I make a correction, it is done very succinctly, no extra words to confuse, just the facts. It’s amazing how this strategy has improved the rapidity of my adult chamber choir grasping a correction.

Those who cry “he or she isn’t tough enough to survive in this business” never show a smidgen of kindness so as to not appear “weak,” however, the strongest among us are the most kind.  You can be tough, uncompromising and not be willing to “settle” and still be kind. It takes intelligence to be kind, it’s tougher than that nasty repartee but the reward of respect is great.  When there is true respect from your singers and the others you work with, there is a sense you are able to accomplish anything and a certain freedom…and peace.  Think how much easier it will be for our singers to not always be waiting for the barb, the castrating comment, the “other shoe” and we can just concentrate on being the best teacher/director/conductor/performer we can be!