Choral Potpourri: Choral Ethics; Apologies

“It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.” P. G. Wodehouse

I am a great believer in apologies. If we do or say something to hurt someone else, and we care about them, we should do whatever it takes to make things right. There are plenty of reasons to apologize in our work; reasons from not being prepared for rehearsal, saying something mean spirited, being in a bad mood or being late. I had never thought about apologizing in quite the way one of my recent correspondents does, but I agree with her.

Deb* was having a bad day. One of those days you wish were over even as it begins. It started normally enough, but as soon as she stepped out of the shower, her mother called saying her father had been diagnosed with cancer. Then her favorite coffee mug shattered. The blouse she had planned to wear had a spot on it she hadn’t noticed before. Then she couldn’t find two socks that matched. And someone had dinged her back bumper in the apartment building’s parking lot overnight. You get the picture…not a good day. Deb pulled herself together and went on to work, dreading the day to come.

She taught elementary school music and her young students were being more than a handful. Deb went through the motions of classroom management while trying to get them playing and singing something. She had always believed the worse she felt, the worse her classes behaved and that day confirmed it. She just knew her demeanor was the cause of their behavior. It wasn’t anything she said or did, she was just not her normal, happy self and believed her students “smelled blood in the water.”

Deb complained at lunch about having an important, “can’t cancel” church choir practice that night when all she wanted to do was go see her parents. The band director, who also had a church job, made a suggestion. He told her when he was having a rotten day; he often apologized (before he said or did something to apologize for) at the beginning of choir rehearsal. For some reason, things went better when he did, go figure.

So Deb held it together until the end of the school day, picked up some fast food, a mug of tea and trundled off to church. She got her choir room organized, set out music and folders and did everything she could possibly think of to make rehearsal go well. Then she cried.

She had mixed feelings about apologizing at the beginning of her rehearsal, but then thought……what could it hurt? Her apology began by describing her car getting dinged, her father’s cancer diagnosis and ended by apologizing for being distracted. Many of her singers wondered why she had not cancelled rehearsal but admired her dedication. One of the long-time choir members (you know the one), suggested they get down to business. Which is what they did. Rehearsal went better than expected, they accomplished what they needed to, and finished 45 minutes earlier than usual.

Deb drove to her parents’ house and her father had better news from the second opinion. As she parked in her building’s parking lot, the person who dinged her car was waiting and confessed. He had already spoken to his insurance company; her car would be repaired over the weekend. She began her laundry so she could have socks that matched and a clean blouse in the morning. The day ended much better than it had begun.

Deb believes showing her vulnerability to her church choir that evening helped her focus, and her choir focus as well. As a result the choir was productive instead of floundering. She would have felt worse if nothing had been accomplished. All this happened about 15 years ago. Ever since, Deb apologizes to her choirs when she knows she’s going to have a bad day. Makes a world of difference, she believes.

Oh, and she married the band director.

*Name withheld