“The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.” William Penn
In preparation for writing the blog post today, I looked up the definitions of envy and jealousy. I wanted to know what the differences are so I was absolutely clear in my own mind. Simply put, envy is coveting something someone else has and jealousy is the fear of being replaced, either in a professional or a love/affection situation. There is certainly overlap of the two emotions, but jealousy can be the more destructive of the two I believe.
I have often thought envy can be healthy. If you envy something or someone, perhaps it will motivate you to achieve beyond what you have. There is usually no mean-spiritedness in this type of envy just a desire to better, or change, our circumstance. I can envy my friend’s shoe collection (and I’ve made a good start to keep up with her, let me tell you!) and not be nasty about it. My friend with young children can envy me with adult children and know someday it will be her not driving carpool twice a day. You can envy your brother-in-law’s ability to run a marathon and he can envy your non-receding hairline but there is no nastiness about his running (you would have to get up at 5 am every day) or your hair (genetics is genetics) between the two of you.
It would be nice for things to “just” happen but more times than not, those whom we envy have worked for what they have or are have some special, difficult to replicate, circumstance. In the choral and music world, if we practice, we get better and if we don’t, we don’t. Some folks don’t understand this, they think they are “owed” a solo just because they’ve been in your choir forever or think they can tell you who SHOULD get a solo because they’ve been in your choir, well, forever. And all Heck breaks lose when they realize they can’t.
Deidra*contacted me a few weeks ago to tell me about a problem she’s been having with a member of her church choir. One of her “Queen Bees” has decided she is the person who gets to decide who gets a solo and who does not. QB has been in this church choir “since Adam” and has (in the QB’s opinion) the best solo quality voice. Deidra has organized the choir year so there are soloists during the summer from the whole church, even those who don’t regularly sing in the choir (with the hopes they’ll join them or sing with the choir more often). QB thinks that’s outrageous, even though many of the Summer Singers are children of the church, home from college. QB has even gone to the Pastor who has deferred to Deidra; it’s her job, she should make the decisions.
Before the unpleasantness with QB began, Deidra thought reaching out to others in the church would be a good thing. She tries so hard to be fair with her choir but wanted to reach out to others; what’s wrong with that? She has a sign-up sheet for summer solos in the choir room beginning in mid-May so the Senior Choir would have first crack at the dates. Beginning in June, she opens it up to the rest of the church and encourages former members of her children and youth choirs to sign up. She asks those signing up to also arrange for coaching with her so they could decide, together, what they would sing and practice together.
QB worries the “quality” of the choir and music program will be compromised because of the “outsiders” being allowed to sing. It’s silly because many of the young people are products of their very fine music program. She’s so miffed, this summer QB declined to sign up for a solo and has been noticeably absent from Sunday services. Since the Pastor isn’t too concerned with QB’s whereabouts, neither is Deidra. It’s been quite peaceful!
*Name withheld
Eugenio Costa says
Sure, this isn’t limited to musicians; and no matter where it comes out, it’s a plague. But, as you say, there certainly is a “healthy” side which can ease things up nicely if handled carefully: that is, with a direct test not having the appearance of an exam but rather of a playful exercise, however making anyone’s shortcomings clear to all, including oneself.
For example: one of the most frequent weak points in choir singers (and not just amateurs) is correct breathing. A simple long melody to be sung individually on a single breath by each singer will show this weakness beyond discussion (or illusion!), and stimulate the insufficiently-breathing subjects to work on that more carefully. The only drawback is that the director must be able to give a good personal example of how it should be done…
And here’s where the often-heard phrase “Directing is a dictatorship” comes in. This is what many feel, think or believe: I’m not so sure.
Do you see bus/taxi drivers, cruise-ship captains or airline pilots as dictators for their passengers? Surely not: their precise role and responsibility is to reach a given goal, shared by everyone from the very start of the journey. How to reach it generally remains the driver/director’s personal matter, as exposing it to others would be too complex or pointless.
Sometimes, however, a given choice can also be publicly and openly explained, offering a deeper view of it to everyone. In this instance, if the person-in-charge is not sufficiently (1) competent, (2) witty and (3) self-confident to keep any possible discussion within reasonable time- and temper- limits, things can quickly become unpleasant.
But if he/she is, the result will be an increase in confidence, esteem and participation among the “passengers”, who must never be considered, treated nor given the feeling of being stupid slaves.
IMHO, being “bossy” is always counterproductive, but especially so in choir singing! The authority to direct a choir (as all kinds of group) must be gained and confirmed in any moment or situation by the ability to smoothly quench all doubts, tensions, stresses, angers or anxieties, embodying as much as possible the role of an ideal, patient and loving old friend — even knowing well it’s impossible to please everyone!
Amanda says
This same thing happened to me in a previous position. In my case, Queen Bee actually quit the choir soon after summer ended, and as a bonus, she took her snarky partner in crime along with her. The toxic atmosphere she had created within the choir immediately dissipated, and the choir blossomed. There is hope…
Marie Grass Amenta says
I know “Deidra” hopes that’s the case (that her QB quits), too. She’s saying it’s actually been pleasant at the Coffee Hour after services and she’s getting lots of positive feedback about her choice of soloists. She’s going on vacation in August, right before choir begins in the fall, and has briefed her sub in the event anything crazy happens. Anything can happen with the QB personality type.
Michael J. Seredick says
This topic it isn’t limited to musicians. Ego is part of our human DNA regardless of career choice. Recalling my experiences with non-professional choirs, it was often the least talented voices that thought they should sing solos.
Here’s a approach that I used with success in volunteer ensembles. I told the choir I’m a WE director. My focus is on everyone. I also explained encountering volunteers who think they are ME members. Just turn the W or M up or down. If you think you are a ME member of the choir, there may be disagreement. This is a team. I’m the coach.
Beyond directing amateur choirs, I also was a member and asst. dir. of the Cleveland Orchestra Chorus. That pro-level experience is different but ego often revealed itself with certain members constantly asking questions with a critical tone of what director Robert Porco was asking for marking specifics in the score. He’d listen politely for a moment, but often replied “that is a valid performance option, but GET YOUR OWN CHOIR.” We roared as a group, and questions of such nature diminished for awhile.
Conclusion? Directing is a dictatorship. You can do it with love, and of course you need to earn everyone’s respect. I know of no successful directors who lead rehearsal as if it were a committee meeting. Good musicians, volunteer and pro, expect a leader. Remember a famous quote “only a fool thinks everyone can be pleased.”
Marie Grass Amenta says
Just love it……..get your own choir…..so great…..and so true!