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Parody Christmas carols



Between reader responses, and visiting a few interesting web sights, I've
compiled some interesting songs for Christmas!

I'll Be Cloned For Christmas

(to the tune of "I'll be Home for Christmas")
by D M Goldstein, 1988
I'll be Cloned for Christmas,
there'll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
and One just for Partys.
Christmas Eve, I'm certain,
I won't be alone;
I'll be home for Christmas,
or else I'll send a Clone!

Jingle Bells, The Yorkie version
by Isabel M. Gordon and the Brindleton BoxerKids to the tune of "Jingle
Bells")
Stomping thru the snow,
Just me and my Yorkie.
Over the fields we go,
Just so she will pee.
Darkness all around,
We know she won't obey.
Her nose is anchored to the ground
Sniffing all the way. Hey!
Midnight Run
Where's the sun?
Can't we make this quick?
When I think we're almost done
She finds something to lick. Ick!
Midnight Run
Ain't this fun?
The snow is glistening bright.
When she turns around and looks at me
Her beard is full of white.
I can't suppress a yawn
When she finally picks a spot.
On my neighbor's lawn
She turns and takes a squat.
She's not quite done it's clear,
Impatience makes me sigh
When I see my Yorkie disappear
in a snow drift two feet high.


The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen
(to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
The restroom door said Gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride
I heard high voices turned and found
The place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And snapped me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I've got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind
Now I can't sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh, boy
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

Happily Addicted to the Web
Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
>From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

How Santa Knows IF you've Been Good

(Tune: Santa Claus is Coming to Town)
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is tapping, Your phone.
He's buggin your room,
He's reding your mail,
He's keeping a file
And runnin a tail
Santa Claus is tapping Your phone
He hears you in the bedroom
Surveills you out of doors
And if that doesn't get the goods
Then he'll use provocateurs.
So you mustn't assume
That you are secure
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door
Santa Claus is tapping Your phone

Politically Correct "Deck the Halls"

[from Bill's Punch Line]
Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing log of
non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la la la la la la la la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
Fa la la la la la la la la

While I tell of non-materialistic,
non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la


Tom the Toad

[from Tonya, on Rehu]
Tom the Toad
(Sung to the tune of "Oh Tannenbaum")
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
You were my friend, and now you're dead,
You bear the marks of tire tread.
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
You did not see yon passing car,
And now you're stretched out on the tar.
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
You hopped out to the yellow line,
And turned into a streak of slime.
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
It's clear to all you're in a rut,
We all did see your gushing gut.
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
There was a loud and awful crash,
For poor old Tom had just got smashed
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?
Your skin was green, Your blood was red,
Your eyes now hang, Just by a thread!
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road?


Philip Brunelle published a Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer translated into
Latin: very amusing for the amply educated amongst your singers. Though not
set to well-known tunes, I like "Monotone Angel" (don't have the composer
handy, sorry!) and "The Twelve Days After Christmas" by Frederick Silver.

12 Days AFTER Christmas
PDQ Bach O Little Town of Hackensak/Good King Kong/Throw the Yule Log On

Fa-La-La-La- an excellent medley of carols mixed with classics that everyone
knows.

HH

I have performed a piece called "The twelve Dogs of Christmas" - a
re-arrangement of the the Twelve Days - which was fun, if slightly cheesy.
We took out a few verses, might have been a bit long otherwise. I think
Jerry Estes did the arrangement.

12 DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS
Don't know where to direct you, but you need to find the Christmas carols
from the "Pogo" comic strip by the late Walt Kelly. When I was a kid, these
were well known among the irreverent younger generation. Sample lyric:

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., and Kalamazoo.
Nora's freezing on the trolley,
Swaller dollar callerflower, alleygaroo.

Not sure if it was from "Pogo," but I also remember:

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle near and far,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a heated trolley car!

Whatever you decide to do, it'll be funnier if you perform it with straight
faces, acting as if this were serious music seriously presented.

Have fun!
Nick Jones
Atlanta Symphony Orchestra

Hi, Jeremy..... Paul Sinasohn here

I'm going to jump in because I consider myself to be the resident expert on
Xmas songs here on Choralist - even if no one else considers me so :-)

Qualifications: a morbid (?) fascination with Xmas carols and songs that has
led me to acquire over 500 Xmas LPs, CDs, and cassettes ranging from the Six
Million Dollar Man Xmas LP to the In Dulci Jubilo collection (26 versions on
1 CD). with everything in between.

Special hint to teachers: If you can find a copy of the Terry Bradshaw Xmas
CD (yes, the quarterback/commentator) play it for your students as the
perfect example of how NOT to sing. He makes every mistake possible!!!!

First, Jeremy, don't forget to consider the PDQ Bach trio of carols.
Second, Run, do not walk, to your local used record store and get all 3 of
Bob Rivers Christmas comedy/parody albums. Here are the lyrics to one song,
though you may not want to use it in school or church...it is offered as an
example of what is out in the pop world. And yes, I do have the X-rated Xmas
CD with all the porno lyrics. I don't listen to it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
And Lambert, Hendricks and Ross did "Deck us all with Boston Charlie"
DECK US ALL
(Walt Kelley)

Deck us all with Boston Charlie
Walla Walla, Wash., and Kalamazoo
Nora's freezing on the trolley
Swaller dollar cauliflower, alley-garoo!

Don't we know archaic barrel
Lullabye Lilly boy, Louisville Lou
Trolley Molly don't love Harold
Boola-boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

(Alternate version)

Bark us all bow-wows of folly
Polly wolly cracker and too-da-loo
Hunky Dory's pop is lolly
Gaggin' on the wagon Willy folly go thru
Donkey bonny brays a carol
Antelope cantaloupe, 'lope with you
Chollie's collie barks at barrow
Barum scarum five-alarum bungaloo
Here's one from the Mudcat Cafe/Digital Traditions database
---------------------------------------------------------------
OH, CON ALL THE FAITHFUL
(Christopher Hershey)

Oh, con all the faithful, appeal to their religion
Buy a plastic manger scene and set it up in the front yard
Twelve lifelike figures set the tone
In lifelike painted styrofoam
Provided with appropriate tape-recorded bible verses
Oh how we do abhor it, wherever shall we store it?
But we paid plenty for it, besides, it's the biggest on the block

Oh, con all the faithful, appeal to their tradition
Send Christmas cards to everyone you've known for the last twenty years
And God forbid if you are missed
By someone who is on your list
It's not the thought that counts but just the thought of counting them

Don't friends deserve much better? So why not send a letter?
The rest you can forget, sir, it's only wasting trees
---------------------------------------------------------
I mentioned Bob Rivers; here is one of his:
---------------------------------------------------------------
WALKIN' ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR
(Bob Rivers)

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Again, from Mudcat/Digital Traditions, 2 12 days parodies
----------------------------------------------------------------------
First, Alan Sherman:

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (PARODY)
(Alan Sherman)

On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A Japanese transistor radio.

On the second day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

(It's a Nakashuma.)

On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It's the Mark IV model. That's the one that's discontinued.)

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

(And it comes in a Leatherette case with holes in it. So you could listen
right
through the case.)

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it has a wire with a thing on one end that you could stick in your ear,
an
d a thing on the other end that you can't stick anywhere because it's bent.)


On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

[Continue until . . . ]

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
Although it may seem strange;
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
I'm going to exchange:
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television but
not w
hen you get it home,
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter,
A pair of teakwood shower clogs,
An indoor plastic birdbath,
A pink satin pillow that says ``San Diego'' with fringe all around it,
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
NEXT, the Silicon Valley version

THE TWELVE BUGS OF CHRISTMAS

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
"See if they can do it again."

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
"Ask them how they did it, and
see if they can do it again."

(similarly)

Tell them it's a feature,
say it's not supported
change the documentation
blame it on the hardware
find a way around it
say they need an upgrade
reinstall the software
ask for a dump!
run with the debugger
try to reproduce it
ask them how they did it, and
see if they can do it again.
-------------------------------------------------------------\

Perhaps this was found in Minnesota????

LUTEFISK, O LUTEFISK

Lutefisk, O Lutefisk, how fragrant your aroma,
Lutefisk, O Lutefisk, you put me in a coma.
You smell so strong, you look like glue,
You taste just like an overshoe,
But lutefisk, come Saturday,
I tink I eat you anyvay

Lutefisk, O lutefisk, I put you in the doorvay.
I wanted you to ripen up just like they do in Norvay.
A dog came by and sprinkled you.
I hit him with my overshoe.
O lutefisk, now I suppose
I'll eat you while I hold my nose.

Lutefisk, O lutefisk, how well I do remember.
On Christmas Eve how we'd receive our big treat of December.
It wasn't turkey or fried ham.
It wasn't even pickled Spam.
My mother knew there was no risk
In serving buttered lutefisk.

Lutefisk, O lutefisk, now everyone discovers
That lutefisk and lefse make Norvegians better lovers.
Now all the world can have a ball.
You're better than that Geritol.
O lutefisk, with brennevin [Norwegian brandy]
You make me feel like Errol Flynn.

Lutefisk, O lutefisk, you have a special flavor.
Lutefisk, O lutefisk, all good Norvegians savor.
That slimy slab we know so well
Identified by ghastly smell.
Lutefisk, O lutefisk,
Our loyalty won't waver.
------------------------------------------------------

These are dated, but could be used in the context of a history lesson:

JINGLE BELLS (Vietnam)

Jingle Bells, mortar shells
VC in the grass
There'll be no merry Christmas tree
'Til these twelve months have passed.

DASHING THROUGH THE SKY

Dashing through the sky,
In a Foxtrot one-oh-five,
Through the flak we fly,
Trying to stay alive.

The SAMs destroy your calm,
The MiGs come up to play,
What fun it is to strafe and bomb,
The P.R.V. today!

Chorus: CBUs, Mark 82s, Seven-fifties, too,
Daddy Vulcan strikes again,
Our Christmas gift to you.

Head's up Ho Chi Minh,
The Fives are on their way,
Your luck it has give in,
There's going to be hell to pay.

Today it is our turn,
To make you gawk and stare,
What fun it is to watch things burn,
And blow up everywhere!

tune: Jingle Bells
"P.R.V.," People's Republic of Vietnam.
"Daddy Vulcan" refers to the aircraft's Vulcan cannon.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Another parody:

JINGLE BELLS (Australian)

cho: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summer's day, Oh,
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut.
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden ute.

Dashing through the bush in a rusty Holden ute.
Kicking up the dust, esky in the boot.
Kelpie by my side, singing Christmas songs,
It's summer time and I am in my singlet, shorts and thongs. Oh

Engine's getting hot, we dodge the kangaroo,
Swaggie climbs aboard, he is welcome too.
All the family's here, sitting by the pool,
Christmas day the Aussie way, by the barbecue. Oh

Come the afternoon, Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce are swimming in their clothes.
Time has come to go, we take a family snap,
And pack the car and all shoot through before the washing up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You asked for parodies, here's a tasteless one....

THE OTHER CHRISTMAS SONG
(Joe Hickerson)

Christians roasting on an open fire
Lions nibbling at their toes
Pagan carols being sung by a choir
While Romans raffle off their clothes
Everybody knows when Nero plays his violin
All of Rome will be a-glow
One dead Jew, and an Arab or two
Hare Krishna, to you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
And perhaps the best parody, or at least the most pointed:

THE FIRST HARD SELL
(Christopher Hershey)

The first hard sell comes sometime in June
When last season's Christmas cards take too much room,
So they put them out in an off-season bin,
For in June they are getting their new shipments in.

cho: Hard sell, hard sell
Hard sell, hard sell
This is the Christmas we all know so well.

About midway in July the lay-away plans
Make their laying-away-in-a-manger demands,
And installment plans begin their attempt to entice
You end up paying twice the original price.

Then early in the fall there's a pre-season bluff
To sell gift wrappings, ribbons and other such stuff
Buy it now! the ads demand, if you don't buy it, you
Will discover we're out of it when you want to.

By the time October comes, every store's lined with snares
With Halowe'en, Christmas and Thanksgiving wares;
What once were festivals that were simple and plain
All have become mere excuses for capital gain

Jeremy,

One of my favorites is "Various Themes on 'Fa-La-La'" (Bridwell).

Best wishes and Happy Holidays from a fellow member of United
Methodist Church...

Let music live!
Sam.

Not traditional tune, but I remember hearing (years ago) a P.D. Q. Bach
carol "O Little Town of Hackensack."

Ken

Not a carol, but try singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" Elmer Fudd style.
All l's and r's are w's. Hysterical.
Jeremy Herrington
Director of Music Ministries
Anona United Methodist Church
jherrin3(a)tampabay.rr.com
http://www.anona.com/