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Working with parents in your Music Classroom-Part 3
The Parent/Teacher Conference
This is the final piece in a three-part series about working with parents in your choral music classroom.
In part 1 of this series, I shared some ideas about how to get started with parent collaboration. In part 2, I wrote about some of the fun characters that I have encountered as I opened my classroom up to parent volunteers.
In this, the final post in the series, I am going to share ideas about how to handle the often challenging parent/teacher conferences.
Before I delve into my ideas and experiences with parent conferences, there are three philosophies we should consider:
#1: First and foremost, everything we do as educators must be for the students. As their teacher, we want to demonstrate the 3 D’s for our students each and every day: Desire, Discipline and Dedication. We want them to learn many more life lessons in our room than simply how to read music and sing a song, and it is our responsibility to help prepare them for successful lives.
#2: Secondly, we have to be willing to awaken our students when they need it. Sometimes, that means that we also have to help awaken the parents…and that isn’t always easy to do.
#3: And lastly…a very important piece of my philosophy as a public school choral music educator of 25 years…
People of all ages change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.
Why have a parent conference?
Classroom management can be one of our biggest challenges as teachers.
During my student teaching experience, I remember my cooperating teacher gave me some of the greatest advice of my career.
“Deal with behavior issues in your classroom whenever possible.”
She encouraged me to find solutions that started and ended with me rather than pushing the problems out to the administrators.
I have heeded that advice for my entire career.
Are there situations in which you must turn a situation over to an administrator? Absolutely…but a parent conference can go a long way toward fixing the most chronic disruptive behaviors so many public school teachers encounter.
I have rarely used detentions that are supervised by administrators or other teachers because they almost never result in the desired behavior change.
I have found that parent contact and parent conferences solve almost every situation I encounter in my room.
When should you have a parent conference?
Here is what has worked for me.
When I encounter a child who demonstrates chronic undesirable behavior issues in my classroom, First, I work directly with the student by changing his seat, by having a conversation about how the exhibited behaviors are hurting the learning process. I let the child know that if the behavior doesn’t change, I am going to contact his parent.
When the behavior continues, I start with parent contact via email first. When I email the parent, I always start with some positive information about the child. Then, with as little judgment as possible, I list the behaviors I am seeing in bullet form. I ask for support in changing those behaviors, and I make it clear that I am open to suggestions.
Then, I wait for the parent response.
Sometimes, there is no response, but the behavior changes. This indicates that the parent has handled it and doesn’t want the bother of meeting with me or exchanging more emails.
Sometimes, there is no response and no change in behavior. We must remember to also view this as a “response”. We must hear it so we can continue to move forward to correct the behavior.
Most of the time, I get a response saying, “You won’t have any more issues.” This is also an awesome outcome.
Responses like this one indicate that the parent is listening, and they are partnering with you to respond to the situation.
…But sometimes, the behaviors continue.
When that is the case, here are the actions I take:
Over a three-day period, I watch the child closely, and I very carefully and discreetly jot down specific information about the behaviors.
A note about scheduling conferences: Always schedule parent conferences “as needed” rather than waiting until specific conference nights that are scheduled by your school or by your district.
Individual, “as-needed” response is best, in my view.
If we wait to long to meet with the parent, the behaviors become habits which are very hard to break.
What should you do before the parent conference?
1) You should carefully prepare all documentation.
*Print out copies of the child’s grade and any notes you’ve written inside the gradebook about behaviors.
*List all of the behaviors you’ve observed.
*If you taught the child in a previous grade, as many choral directors do, you may want to obtain any other documents you have that support the behavior patterns you continue to witness in your time teaching the child in order to awaken the parent.
2) Carefully prepare what you are going to say.
Soul search. Dig deep. Evaluate yourself. Have you done everything you can do to elicit a positive response from the child? Or are you cutting to the top person (the parent)? Do you like it when parents bypass you and contact the principals?
Plan to speak to the parent in the same way you’d like to be spoken to if you were the parent.
It’s so important to effectively and clearly communicate and stay very focused on the intended outcome.
With that in mind…
…What is your objective?
Clearly define it for yourself so you can communicate it well to the parent and to the child.
3) After you define your primary objective (which is usually to improve behavior and work patterns), you need to determine a secondary objective in case the parent is absent, uncooperative, in denial about their child’s behavior or if you perceive that the child is simply no longer interested in being in choir.
I have 340 un-auditioned children in my choirs who voluntarily sign up for my class, and sometimes their interests change. It’s ok. I don’t take it personally and neither should you.
At my school, there is some flexibility in moving children into and out of choir at the end of each quarter, so I always walk into every conference with a schedule change form ready in case we need to consider that as a solution. Thankfully, I rarely have to use it. However, I am thankful to have the option.
If there is currently no flexibility at your school on moving children into and out of your class during the school year, begin working toward that goal and be patient as you do. Choir is not the only consideration for administrators who create the schedules in your buildings.
Who should be present at the parent conference?
*You
*The student
*The parent
*Another teacher or administrator.
If you sense that it is going to be a particularly difficult conference based on your correspondences with the parent or if you believe the parent will escalate to the administrators regardless of how the conference goes, ask an administrator to come to the conference as well to save yourself more strife after the conference is complete.
What do you say at the parent conference?
Go without fear and focus on the fact that your goal is to help the child, the parent and the other children in your classroom who are impacted by this child’s poor behavior and/or work ethic.
Remember that this is probably not the first time the parent has heard what you will say, but make it your objective to help them to hear it and take action on it, for perhaps, the first time. To help a parent really “hear” the information you are sharing, you must carefully plan the words you use and the flow of the conference so that you can obtain maximum impact that will result in behavior change.
*Start with examples of positive behaviors. If a child or a parent perceive that you don’t like the child, you will not gain their support. If you start the conference negatively, you are likely to start a battle between parent/child and you that will be a waste of energy. Remember: Until now, the parent has only heard his/her child’s side of the story. If you start by listing positive behaviors (and every child has them), you can help avoid this complication and disarm the parent and possibly even the child.
*Listen. Ask questions about how the child is doing in their other classes. Ask about the child’s outside interests/passions. Often, you will hear things from the parents about the child’s work in other classes that support your arguments about the child’s sub-standard performance in your classroom that support your position.
*Then, it’s time to “go in.”
When you “go in”…
State the behaviors objectively and without judgment.
Be accurate. If you state a detail inaccurately, the child may seize the moment and hurt your credibility in front of their parent causing the conference to go awry.
Remember…you are dealing with a difficult child.
In the conference, what do I do with unsupportive parents?
Most parents of difficult children are thrilled you are taking the time to help support them, but some parents are not. These unsupportive and, in my view, ineffective parents are the ones who have enabled the types of behaviors you are seeing in the first place. In the face of mounds of evidence, these types of parents will not acknowledge or react to what you are alleging about their children, and they will make excuses for their child.
To help awaken those parents, I have a laundry list of effective things I say that are aimed at awakening the parent. Here are two of my favorites:
“I have 83 other children in your child’s class period whose learning is impacted by the behaviors I’ve shared with you today. It is my job to teach all of them. Anything that stands in the way of that learning has to change. Your child’s behavior is standing in their way.”
“I have presented lots of information about your child’s behavior in order to help you and your child. I teach your child for one to three years. You have him for life.”
“I initiated this conference, and I prepared for it in great detail because I care about your child and for all of the children who are impacted by his/her behavior. I hope you will consider partnering with me in the best interest of your child so that we can get him/her on the right track.
Summary:
During my 25 years teaching choral music in urban public schools in North Carolina, New Jersey and Georgia, most of my parent conferences have gone without a hitch and the desired outcome was achieved.
However, that is not always the case. Once, a parent came out of his chair, and I thought he was going to assault me.
Other times, parents have worked to manipulate the administrators which added another layer of stress to the situation.
Recently, I had a very difficult situation. It involved a parent volunteer I’d worked with and known for many years. I’d taught her two older daughters.
Rewind: Upon enrolling in 6th grade, her child chose band over chorus, so I was sad to lose a committed parent volunteer. Half-way through her third child’s 6th grade year, she came to me to complain about the band teacher. She asked if he could start chorus in January…half-way through this 6th grade year.
I willingly took him.
After recognizing that her son was one of my new challenges and following the processes I’ve outlined above, I decided it was time to hold everyone accountable…including the parents.
Suddenly, after watching 4 years of excellent results in musicals and adjudicated performances and after I’d accepted her third child mid-year into my class, they didn’t like my approach.
Right before Thanksgiving break, they wrote emails slamming my approach and calling me a bully while copying myself and administrators. In addition to the word “bully”, they used many other code words to make sure their case was pushed to the front of the line.
I followed every step I’ve outlined here, and I gathered every bit of documentation I could get my hands on.
We met. We had an administrator present per their request. I met on 3 hours notice on the Monday after Thanksgiving break because I was very clear about what type of parent I was dealing with.
When the parent told me that my techniques to awaken children and parents didn’t work, I calming stated:
“You’ve seen my work with your first two children. You’ve volunteered in my classroom to support my work. I accepted your child into my classroom in the middle of the school year when you complained he was being bullied by his band teacher. Now you call me a bully. When you’ve taught public school for 25 years with 84 children in a classroom, and led a program of over 300 non-auditioned middle school children who volunteer to take my class, then you can tell me how to do my job. Until that time arrives, I am telling you that your child needs to wake up. I hope that you will work with me to help that happen.”
I offered a schedule change form. They refused.
I said…
“Today, you have questioned my integrity and called me a bully. Why do you want your child to stay in my class?”
Response: “We like what you are teaching.”
I didn’t respond.
Her child has been doing great since that time. She knows it and so do I.
Stay calm. Trust your gut instincts. Don’t be intimidated. Know that you are doing the right thing. Always know that there is a solution for you and all of the other children you teach in your public school classroom.
I always make sure my heart is in the right place and more importantly, that my documentation is 100% in order.
Parents talk, and students talk about how we do or don’t hold them accountable.
The ripple effect is worth the effort.
Partnering with parents is really what education is all about…even when it’s difficult.
To stay in touch with Mr D, email me at and write “Subscribe” in the subject line.
It’s the final day of preparations before the children arrive!
It sort of reminds me of Christmas Eve.
It’s all finished.
On the first day, I want my middle school singers to know that I will wrap the arms of structure around them immediately, and that we are going to have fun too! They want both of those things, and they need them both to flourish! Whichever educator said “Don’t Smile Before Christmas” should have been encouraged to find other work opportunities! 🙂
With up to 85 students in my classes, it is critical that I have my systems and processes in place at all times! So…let’s go on the tour of the first 10 minutes of experience in my middle school chorus class on the first day!
Click this link to go on a video tour of my classroom set up for the first day!
To get to that moment, here are some of the things I did:
1) I used Infinite Campus, our grade book, to print labels of the names of the children in each class. It was quick and easy!
2) I created seating charts. It is very important that they have a place to be from the first moment of the first day.
3) I placed the labels on the chairs to correspond with my seating charts so that I can call their names of the first day if I need to do so! I don’t check roll by calling names out loud. On a normal day, to check roll, I do a quick scan with my charts and make quick notes in pencil. More about how I check roll on the first day below the picture.
4) I copied a word find for them to do. This helps keep them busy while I deal with late comers, lost children, and folks whose schedules were changed at the last minute. They will be busy with the word find for about 10-15 minutes. I play “spa” music! It relaxes them AND me! I know my 7th and 8th graders well, but I am meeting the sixth graders for the first time. So, I quietly walk up to each 6th grade student in their seat, make eye contact, and I say their names. If I pronounce it wrong, they correct me, and I make quick notes on my chart. I feel like this connection is critical for us to make with new students. It’s quiet, one-on-one, eye to eye and it sets up a relationship between you and the student. When we call roll out loud on the first day, the children are put on the spot to perform. Yes…even saying “here” is a performance for a middle school student, and it can go in a variety of ways! Going around the room quietly in the way I described above eliminates the performance and gives you an opportunity to connect. It is important to establish positive rapport immediately.
I often say to my students: You get one chance to make a first impression. Well….the first 10 minutes of chorus class is their first impression. Structure….warmth…..calm.
The next thing I want to establish on Day 1 is FUN! So, once I’ve gotten everything organized with late-comers, etc., and I feel like things have calmed down, I launch into the first lesson of S-Cubed: Successful Sight Singing for Middle School Teachers and their Students. Here is the video link to exactly what I do after things have calmed down on the first day. I took that video on the first day of school in 2013.
With shortened class periods in my building on Day 1, this is pretty much all I am able to do on that first day, but I wanted to share it with everyone. Perhaps it will give you some ideas!
I’ve taught choral music to public school middle school children since 1989.
In the early years, I couldn’t figure out how to teach my young beginners how to take the notes and symbols off of the page and sing with accurate pitch and rhythm.
One day at a time…
One failure at a time…
Deliberately…
I figured out ways to awaken the brains of my beginners.
I saw it in their eyes.
I will see it in their eyes again as I begin to help my own 342 beginners that I will teach on August 8th in the Atlanta Area Public School when the new school year begins.
So, when I felt my own father disappearing, I knew.
My two siblings and I decided to get him an iPhone for Christmas in 2013. During the winter of 2014, I worked with him to help him learn to use his new phone.
I repeated the same things over and over, and he couldn’t remember.
It soon became clear to me that his brain was going to sleep.
Time passed.
He came to visit in the spring of 2015 to see my middle school children do their spring musical revue.
I felt him disappearing even more, and I became sadder.
Three months later, I mentioned my observations to my two older siblings. It was at that time that our journey together began as we worked to see if the world of medicine could confirm what was happening to our father.
It’s July 2016, and they are still working on an official diagnosis.
…but those of us who are close to our father are clear that his brain has changed.
They can call it Dementia…Frontal Lobe Dementia…Alzheimers….or whatever the latest diagnosis/buzz word is when the brain atrophies and stops functioning as it once did…
…but those of us who are close to him already know.
I watched “I’ll be Me” recently. It’s Glen Campbell’s honest and open documentary of his journey through Alzheimers…one of the many diseases of the brain that people face as they age.
I came away from watching the movie more steadfast in my observation that music awakens.
I’ve known that since I started singing as a child.
It keeps us awake, and it was apparent in this beautiful film about the legendary pop culture figure.
I am not a doctor. I am not a PhD. I don’t research.
Yet I do…each and every day when I face my eager beginners.
When I started teaching, I wanted my young beginners to understand how to take those dots off the page and turn them into music, and I knew it would take kinesthetic, aural and visual means so that is the way I taught them regardless of their background and intellectual ability as assessed by standardized tests.
I research daily as I watch the brains of my young students awaken when I help them take those symbols off of the page and sing correct pitch and rhythm without the one-on-one training that the children who are from the most affluent families can afford.
My own personal belief is that Glen Campbell kept singing and remembering his music despite the atrophy of his brain because he loved it and because he wanted to remember.
…All the rest? He forgot.
And now, as my father’s brain is going to sleep…
I will use the skills I’ve learned with my middle school beginners as I’ve tried to awaken their brains to help my own father keep his own brain awake because, selfishly, I want him here with me as long as I can have him.
Until then, I will go into my classroom and work to awaken the brains of my young singers.
If you are about to face a group of middle school or high school chorus students in the upcoming school year who have been taught by a teacher they absolutely adored, you may be feeling like you’ve just been hired to replace
Robert Shaw…iconic 20th Century Choral Conductor!
It is so scary.
Can you imagine replacing Robert Shaw?!?
In my very first job, I was hired to replace a beloved teacher, and I remember a student saying out loud in class one day while I was teaching (bombing)… “You need to call Ms. Yokley up and ask her how to do this.”
Ok…In that single moment, after having just completed 6 straight years of higher education, including obtaining a Master’s degree in Music, I knew lots about theory, music history and art song, but I had no idea how to actually teach middle school children, and I’ve just replaced a legend.
Whether it is your first year or your twenty-first year teaching, it is hard to replace a legend.
In this post, I want to share what I learned during the two times I replaced legends in the choral classroom.
Here they are:
1) If possible, form a relationship with the teacher you are replacing.
Schedule a meeting with the teacher before you take over the program. Ask questions about the program, the children, the administration, the counselors, the parents and anything else that you can think of to ask.
Ask the teacher if it is ok to be in touch during the school year to ask more questions via text, email or phone call. You are likely to have many questions once the year gets going that you could not have anticipated, so having continued contact with the teacher you replaced is very helpful.
The children often find out that you and the former teacher have been in touch, and that can really help. It means that you value what went on before you came, and that is very important in terms of helping them accept you in this new position.
2) Either formally or informally, as early in the year as possible, sit down with key upperclassmen to ask questions about what they’ve enjoyed about their time in chorus under the previous leadership.
Listen. Learn.
Taking the time to learn about their experiences goes a long way toward building relationships that will help you as you move through the year.
I’ve learned so much from the two legends that I replaced. By following suggestions #1 and #2. I learned new ways to do things, new songs to teach, new classroom management ideas and so much more.
3) Repeat #2 with key parents.
Parents are the backbone of my program. I couldn’t teach my 342 children without their support. Show that you value them by taking the time to create channels of communication. I reach out to them early in the year via email and using Remind.com to share what is going on in our classroom.
I take the time to learn what their areas of expertise are, and I put the willing volunteers to use. From helping with my spring musical to organizing and maintaining my chorus folders and choral library, parents save me enormous amounts of time that allows me to give more time to what I was hired to do: teach.
Building relationships with the parents will help you in your classroom, and it will help build trust as you make the transition as the new teacher in this legendary program.
4) Respect tradition.
Some of the traditions the community has may seem completely silly to you, but in your first year there, respect as many of those traditions as you can while being true to yourself and your own future vision for the program. It can be quite a delicate balancing act. Eventually, you will create your own traditions, but if you walk in and refuse to honor the most important ones, you will lose support.
5) Be humble and don’t take anything personally.
You are going to meet resistance because you are not
Mr. or Ms. _________. You can’t change it, so just accept it during that first year.
Your rehearsal techniques will not be the same. They may rebel against your new ideas. Don’t take it personally.
6) The students in the lowest grade level you teach are yours.
They have no experience with the previous teacher. While some of them may have had siblings who were taught by the previous teacher, essentially, they are yours. Word of mouth is not the same as true experience. So, if you who that you care about the students, and your teaching skills are solid, their daily positive experience in your room will soon wipe away what they are hearing from their older siblings. The youngest students who never had the previous teacher are more pliable. You can treat them as yours from day 1. Enjoy your time with them because, at times, you will be very frustrated with the older children who question you, your techniques and your vision.
7) Believe in yourself and in your long-term goals for the program.
With each year that passes, the program becomes yours.
When you are replacing a legend within a school community, it is going to be difficult, and there is no way around it. Parents, and even faculty and administration may also challenge your ideas. You may lose some students. You may get phone calls.
It is going to take time. Be patient. You will build your own legacy in time.
The second time I replaced a legend, I had been teaching for a long time, so it was quite difficult for me when I met resistance. Each time, I took a deep breath, and I listened with respect. I asked questions. I made sure that I did not reveal what I was thinking…(i.e…..”I know what I’m doing!!! I’ve taught for XX years…Just let me do it!”).
…And in doing so, I was able to slowly gain the support of the people with the biggest concerns.
Your new school community members don’t care what you’ve done before. It means very little to them in their daily experience with you as their current teacher. Mostly, they care about what you are doing now.
Remember: They just want the program to be great! We should be thrilled they care enough to speak up!
Hope that helps some of you who are facing what feels daunting at the moment!
Hang in there!
Dale Duncan
Creator of the S-Cubed Middle School Sight Singing Program for Beginners
Click here to hear my students at adjudication.
This is the 5th and final posting in the five-part series called “Why Won’t My Middle School Choir Sing?”
To start with the first reason, click here!
Reason #5:
We don’t know how to introduce music.
It is possible to turn this age group against a new piece of music in the three minutes of introducing it to them for the first time.
I struggled for years with finding good ways to introduce a new piece in a way that would peak their interest and excite them to want to dig into the song and make it great.
During my first years in the classroom, I kept hearing the voices of my college professors in my head: “Don’t teach by rote! Make them literate!”
I couldn’t figure out the balance of teaching “by rote” and teaching literacy when I was introducing a new song to beginners.
Ultimately, the guiding force for me became the energy in the room.
Like comedians in a comedy club, we can tell when we are bombing. Kids this age are transparent, and it is not easy for them to hide how they feel when we are failing while we teach.
If you feel boredom and frustration from your students when you teach a new song, it’s probably time to try a new approach to the introduction of your new music.
In the early days of my career, when I introduced a new song to my students, my teaching process was way too slow. I constantly demanded that they figure things out on their own yet I had not systematically taught them the tools they needed to do it. I failed to see that there were ways to teach new music that were much quicker and more fun and included developing their ears using techniques that some might call “teaching by rote”.
I was teaching sight singing regularly to my students, but I failed to realize how long it takes for their sight singing abilities to catch up to their ability to sing a song that may be quite difficult.
My students just wanted to sing, and all I was doing was stopping to talk, or to complain about how they missed something in the music or explain things they simply were not ready or interested in learning yet. I tried to teach everything about the application of sight singing techniques at once as they learned a new piece, and as a result, they were actually learning very little about sight singing.
..and I talked…and talked…and talked.
I finally asked myself, “What exactly is ‘teaching by rote’? And who defines it? And how can I actually USE “rote teaching” to give me opportunities to vary my teaching techniques while helping them become better musicians as they learn to use their ears better and learn to recognize form?
I had to let go of some of those voices in my head from my college professors. I had to focus on finding ways to help my beginning students enjoy the process of learning a new song.
If they journey isn’t an enjoyable and rewarding one, programs shrink.
Most of my students had never taken a private piano lesson, so I had to work to find ways to keep them engaged during the learning of a new piece while instilling, unveiling and building the important skill sets they needed for sight singing. Literacy is key to their continued growth and involvement as choral music singers, but finding the proper balance wasn’t easy for me.
Now, I take about 10-15 minutes per day to focus specifically on theory and sight singing, and I use the rest of the time while I am teaching repertoire using rote techniques mixed with literacy teaching. If there is an opportunity to connect some dots from the sight singing lesson of that day, I do it.
I started allowing my beginners to listen to recordings on the first day of learning a new piece, and I turned it into a fun form exercise to help them develop their ears. When working on form with my beginners, however, I learned that I needed to avoid turning it into a sophomore college theory class exercise that uses terms like “ABA” form etc. When I tried that, the eyes of my beginners glazed over. Instead, I worked to find ways to teach form that were engaging for beginners in this age group.
Here is a form exercise I often do with my beginners:
While they are listening to a piece of music for the first time, I ask them to draw pictures to represent new musical ideas when they hear them. I encourage them to be as crazy and creative with their pictures as they want as long as they indicate the shape and form of the song. If the chorus happens twice, but the second chorus has a different ending than the first, for example, their pictures should indicate the difference. If they drew a smiley face for the first chorus, then they might draw a smiley face and add hair to the drawing when they hear the chorus that has a slightly different ending.
It is hilarious to see some of the drawings that they create. When I call them up to share their drawings on the Smart Board in front of the class, there is lots of laughter! The best part is that they get to listen to the song multiple times while they are creating the pictures. We can teach many good listening skills during an exercise like this one when we teach them to listen to the smallest differences in various phrases and to indicate those differences in their pictures.
Creating excitement over a new piece of music is critical. If the students “check out” on a piece because we’ve introduced it poorly, it’s really difficult to get them to give the song a chance. The last thing we can be with our middle school students is boring. It’s a nail in the coffin of our programs. We must be open to varied teaching techniques, and we must constantly work to find ways to help them stay engaged and excited as we ease them into the learning of a new song.
Dale Duncan is the creator of the S-Cubed Middle School Sight Singing Program for Beginners
Click here to see what people are saying about S-Cubed!
Click here to go to my YouTube Channel with free teaching tips and ideas.